Depression: It's Nothing to be Ashamed of

I think that if I were to list off some of the descriptors that my friends have for me they would probably include words like - energetic, intense, ridiculous, extroverted, caring, annoying, loud, stubborn, headstrong, and passionate. Four or five of my very close friends would say "he can get down occasionally" and perhaps only my wife would describe me as a person who struggles with depression. But the truth is, I do. I struggle with depression.

Today (November 4th 2014) I have been struggling with an especially difficult bout of depression. For me depression comes in a multitude of ways. Sometimes it comes on suddenly and inexplicably like a tornado, and other times it builds slowly like a hurricane - I can see it slowly growing off the shore of my emotional island. I feel it growing and can identify it moving toward me. I am helpless to stop it, to avoid it. I know that the island of my mind is pulling this hurricane like a gigantic depression magnet. It's really frustrating.

Today was a hurricane day.

Throughout the day I felt this depressive storm front building and inexorably moving toward me. It all came to a head while I was standing in line at Safeway purchasing lunch for me and my wife. The inexplicable, unaccounted for pain, grief, fear, frustration, and...well...depression, landed upon the shore of my mind. The type of depression that I struggle with is situational, caused by a whole slew of things, and is typically manageable. It gets hairy when I don't recognize the warning signs - and try to continuously push through it without managing it properly. There are many people who experience it far more poignantly than I do. Who are powerless to avoid it when it comes.

So I'm standing there in line at Safeway, and tears begin to run down my cheeks. I'm kind of surprised at first, I don't always cry when I'm experience a "depressive spell." Most of the time I end up going numb. I only noticed that I was crying this time as I felt one of the tears drop onto my hand. I looked down at it and slowly raised a hand to my cheek and slowly wiped my tears away. I was in the only open line at Safeway and it was surprisingly busy. 

My usual reaction when I begin crying in public is to be ashamed, this only makes the depression worse as I try and hide what's happening to me. I get furious at myself. I mean, I'm a 30 year old man, crying inexplicably in public. What must these people think of me?! Well, today as the tears rolled down my cheeks and splashed upon the tiled Safeway floor I decided to stop being ashamed. I didn't ask for this condition. I didn't do anything to bring these storms upon myself, they are just a part of who I am, of what I am. I believe that someday I will be freed from them, but until I am I will not spend another minute amplifying that pain through feelings of shame for something that I can't control any more than I can control the elements themselves.

While this realization didn't mitigate in any measure the pain that I was feeling, it completely bypassed the usual deepening of depression that accompanies the shame of it. That, in and of itself, was a relief from depression. It made me realize something that I had always known logically, but hadn't actually admitted in my heart, and believed; it's OK to experience depression.

It's important for me to explain something here that those who don't experience depression won't understand. Depression is not feeling sorry for yourself. It is not looking at your life and thinking "man I wish things were different." It is not something that can be fixed through "counting your blessings" or comparing your life with the lives of those that have it worse and saying "see, I don't have it that bad." If that were the case I would never be depressed because I have a wonderful life. I have a beautiful wife who I love with all of my heart. I have an almost eighteen month old daughter who lightens every single day simply by being alive. I have a good job, and I get to serve some amazing young people at my church as a seminary teacher. My life is full and amazing.

Depression doesn't care how great your life is. It reaches out and rips your face off no matter how wonderful things are.

This very thing is actually one way that depression really harms people. It makes them ashamed for feeling depressed. "You have no right to be depressed!" It yells at you. As you try and talk to your friends who have no idea what depression is like about your depression they have no idea how to respond. Some may tell you to get over it. Others will laugh it off. Some people will tell you how hard some other people have it and think that this will help you to get through it. Still others will tell you to "get help" and even encourage you to take drugs. All of these responses are typical of people who have never experienced depression. They don't know how to handle it.

The truth is, and I'll say it again, it's OK to experience depression the same way it's OK to have a hangnail or a stubbed toe or a toothache.

What's not OK is to allow depression to define you. It is when you stop saying "today was a depressed day" and start saying "I am depressed." Let me rephrase this, it's when we begin to think "I am depressed all of the time" that we let depression become who we are, instead of something that we endure. Just as you can do things to protect yourself from the real storms of life, even the most horrible ones, you can also do things to prepare yourself from the depressive storms of life that come. You can build your own mental and spiritual "tornado shelter" that will help you when the storms come. Above all don't use your depression as a crutch to justify negative behavior such as alcoholism, drug abuse, or interpersonal abuse. If you are experiencing any of these then have the courage to seek help. If you don't know where to turn - well - you've read this blog, and should talk to me. I won't be your counselor, but I'll point you in the direction of one.

Everyone experiences depression differently. It comes and goes in different ways, at different times, and is caused by diverse things. I am in no way attempting to speak for all of those that are depressed, but trying to help those that are depressed to understand that there is no reason for you to be ashamed for feeling the way that you do. I also want to invite you, if you haven't found anyone to share it with, to find someone that you trust. Find someone who will listen to you (and not gloss over your feelings in the ways that I listed above). You should not have to experience depression for one second longer by yourself. I'm not asking you to "come out" as someone with depression, but to find someone who can help you shoulder the load.

This is also an invitation to all of my friends who don't experience depression to learn more about it. I hope that reading my experiences will help you to be a little more compassionate, and a little less judgmental towards those that you know who face depression.