I want to start out by describing some hypothetical scenarios that I have observed, examined, or studied throughout my life. Many of these scenarios I have seen in case studies and then found similar experiences in the lives of people that I know. All of these stories are strictly hypothetical, and if they seem to describe a situation you are in please do not take it personally as I am not attempting to point out anyone's follies or foibles (except perhaps my own). My hope and prayer is that the stories and experiences I share here will assist others in establishing healthier relationships. Much of what I say here is directed specifically at members of the LDS Church, but I believe the information contained herein is valid for everyone regardless of race, religion, or social position and standing.
I'm just going to dive right into the topic with a question;
Why is it so difficult to actually say what we really mean and feel?
I'm not just talking about negative things, but positive things as well. This has been a subject of some frustration for me over the past many years; a near refusal to be honest in our communication with each other. I will seek to answer this question through my own and others experiences. Over the next few weeks or months (depending on my schedule etc.) I'm going to discuss a few principles that I feel contribute to the destruction of the family. We know that the adversary is attacking the family and I believe that one of his greatest goals is to keep us from communicating. If he can break down the lines of communication within families he's most of the way to accomplishing his goals. Hopefully some of these ideas will be of assistance in protecting and opening lines of communication.
The "Ignore It" Principle
The first reason I believe that we don't talk about things openly is what I call the "ignore it" principle. I also called it the "sweep it under the rug" principle. The name comes from the idea that if we ignore it the problem will just go away. This can be an appropriate way of dealing with difficult situations. The idea that we "shouldn't sweat the small stuff" has very real validity. For example, when I first began serving as a missionary I had a companion who was very different from me. He had some weird habits that just rubbed me the wrong way. I sought the Lord's guidance through prayer, scripture study, and meditation, and the answer I received was just that; focus on the things that really matter, don't sweat the small stuff. This has been a great boon to my marriage. The problem that arises with the "don't sweat the small stuff" principle is when we start to think that "it's all small stuff" and we begin ignoring the major stuff.
For example, when I'm doing something really difficult, like in Army training when I'm rucking in the woods through miles of difficult terrain and it's hot and I'm tired, I don't "sweat the small stuff" like aching muscles or sore feet and shoulders. These are to be expected, they come with the territory. As I begin to feel hot spots on my feet; however, it's a good idea to address those or I may be taken out of commission by painful blisters later on. Even worse; if I'm not drinking enough water, if I'm not staying hydrated, I may end up suffering from a serious condition that could lead to hospitalization and even death.
This is analogous to what I see occurring in so many families.
I've seen it in families where there are many introverted personalities. To an introvert, confrontation can be not only difficult, but down right terrifying. Great lengths will be gone to in order to avoid confrontation. This means that when confrontation comes, if we just put our heads in the sand and ignore it, it will probably pass. The "ignore it" principle is not only experienced by introverts, however. It is a pattern of living that often seems to be passed down from generations just as many good or bad communication methods are. Two extremely extroverted individuals can fall into the trap as a defense mechanism against hurting the other person, and introvert/extrovert personalities are easily affected, as the extrovert overpowers the introvert.
Here are some brief examples:
1. There is a large extended family that has been in the church for generations. The grandparents (or great grandparents as the case may be) have 5 or 6 children. Of those children, one has wandered and strayed from the Gospel. That child and their children now cause no end of frustration for the rest of the family. Nobody talks about it. It is never addressed. Feelings are hurt and dissension builds. It's easier to "just ignore it."
2. A young woman is raised in an active family, but experiences abuse from her mentally challenged older siblings and father. They are "high functioning" but still harsh and difficult to live with. She learns to be quiet in nearly all social situations in order to stay safe and keep her opinion from being trampled on. Later in life she has children and teaches them to do the same. She has a loving family, but they have been taught to hide their feelings and opinions in order to protect themselves. When they experience things that get them angry or frustrated in their relationships they try to "ignore it" because it is safer.
3. A young man is raised in an active household. He's noticed throughout his life that his parents don't seem to be as happy as some of his friends parents. They have never really talked about their issues. He is shy and quiet, and marries someone who is on the extreme end of extroverted. She clashes heavily with his parents. He wants to talk to them about these issues, but they refuse to discuss things. In fact, as his extroverted wife tries to push a conversation it ends up blowing up in her face, followed by being shunned at future family gatherings. Still no meaningful conversation occurs. At family gatherings there is a constant tension, but every "just ignores it" because to do otherwise is not proper.
4. An extroverted man marries an introverted woman. They are active members of the church, doing what they feel is right. She feels like her opinion is never heard, he feels like her opinion is never voiced. Rather than talk about these things, they just keep pushing forward. They don't know how to broach such a subject and besides, it's no big deal. This pattern continues to build over the course of many years until one day she erupts at him. He feels that she needs to speak up more, she feels that he needs to listen. Or worse yet, they continue like this for twenty years, until she eventually leaves him, or they continue like this throughout their entire marriage, until she hates him, and he despises her.
5. Two good parents have four children, two in high school, one on a mission, and one is married. Their children have been good, faithful members of the church. Their youngest is beginning to rebel and they are kind of running out of steam. They live close to many family and friends who are more than willing to help, but their need to be independent keeps them from seeking the help they need. Nobody talks about it. In fact, they don't even talk about their struggles with each other, or with the child who is acting out. They "ignore it" hoping that if they continue to be righteous that "everything will work out in the end."
There are many other scenarios that lead to the "ignore it" principle, I have listed only a few and they are very brief. As you may be able to tell the "ignore it" principle is also compounded by many other personal or societal issues; but addressing those would require an entire book and what's interesting is that we don't have to start with addressing those issues in order to begin addressing the "ignore it" principle. In fact, addressing the "ignore it" principle can begin the path to healing from many of these other issues.
Contributing Factors:
There are some contributing factors to the "ignore it" principle that I have discovered over the years and simply realizing these can help along the path to establishing healthy communication. The first one I want to discuss is the mentality that "this is just how things are."
1. This is just how things are: The idea that "this is just how things are" is a false one, and I believe a lie straight from hell. In the April 2014 Priesthood session of General Conference Elder Donald L. Hallstrom of the Seventy spoke about the mentality that we cannot change. He shared the story of a man who had a bad temper. This individuals mentality was that "I have a bad temper, and that’s just the way I am!” Elder Hallstrom goes on to explain that this mentality is damning. Whenever we think "that's just the way I am" we are basically denying the atonement of Christ. I want to take this one step further;
If we are convinced that our marriages, or familial relationships are miserable and something to be endured or suffered through because that is simply "the way they are" we are wrong and have been deceived by the devil. We read in he book of Mormon that "...men are that they might have joy." (2Ne 2:25) Our family relationships are supposed to be joyous and fulfilling. There is this idea I feel among people that "if we can just struggle through this life then we will have happiness in the eternities." My good brothers and sisters, if you aren't happy with your spouse in this life what makes you think that somehow you'll be happy forever?
2. Endure to the End (in the wrong way): The "this is just how things are" is closely tied to "let's not talk about it, and just muscle through until the eternities" idea; also known as Endure to the End (in the wrong way). There is a lot of emphasis in the church placed on Endure to the End, which is as it should be. As members we don't stop trying to be like Jesus after we accept Him as our personal Savior and Redeemer. Striving to be like him is one of our great goals. The EttE mentality is a wonderful one when correctly applied. When incorrectly applied, however, it can be extremely damaging and harmful. When our marriages or family relationships become something that we just have to "muscle through" until the next life, we are missing out on wonderful opportunities now, and may be robbing ourselves of eternal joy with the ones we love.
3. If I ignore it, it will go away: Another contributing factor is the idea that "if I ignore it, it will go away." When did ignoring a broken arm fix the broken arm? Similarly ignoring broken communication only makes it worse. It exacerbates the problem until it becomes a festering wound that can kill the relationship. As stated earlier some things can and should be ignored. It's up to the individual couple or family to find out what those things are; but if you are never discussing those things that bother you, it will be impossible to correctly establish where those lines lie.
4. Putting on blinders: Then there is the problem of putting blinders on. Everyone knows the parents who act like their children are perfect. They're constantly talking about how great they are. Their lawns are often perfectly manicured, they drive nice cars and live in nice houses. Everything is perfect. To the outside world, and often in their relationships, nothing negative is ever spoken of. It's as though speaking about the things that frustrate or hurt them will break the perfect porcelain doll life that has been established. Blinders are good for horses, they are not good for people. Eventually that porcelain doll is going to take a blow, and it will be shattered.
Often these breakdowns in communication last for months, years, and decades. Some people never find the courage, strength, or resources to address them. Instead they struggle through life becoming ever increasingly angry and bitter. Eventually at times the frustration mounts to the point where there is an eruption, and a once beautiful and healthy relationship is destroyed in a volcano of anger and grief. At other times, the spouse or child who is being marginalized just leaves. They stop loving the other person or people, and they quit pursuing a relationship. No matter what, refusing to communicate will result in the destruction of the family. Imagine applying these scenarios, or any of the countless others like them, to our relationships with Heavenly Father. Could you imagine living in such a relationship with Heavenly Father for eternity? How then could we exist in this type of relationship with our families for eternity?
Overcoming the "ignore it" principle
So how do we overcome this problem? Well, we start by talking about it. Here are a few idea's that may help:
1. Conduct Companionship Inventory: Preach My Gospel is an amazing resource not only for missionary work, but for life. As a missionary I served in various capacities and was able to work with many different missionaries. In my two years as a missionary I came to see a serious difference between those companionship's that took companionship inventory seriously, and those that didn't.
"13. Conduct companionship inventory. At the end of your weekly planning session, share with your companion appropriate goals, and ask for his or her help to accomplish them. Discuss the strength of your relationship with your companion. Discuss any challenges that may be keeping your companionship from working in unity or from being obedient. Resolve conflicts. Share with your companion what you think his or her strengths are. Ask for suggestions on how you can improve. If needed, set goals that will improve your relationship. Conclude with prayer. (Preach My Gospel, Chapter 8, How Do I Use Time Wisely?)
As I implemented Companionship Inventory on my mission, I came to find that I was far more in-tune with the needs of my companion. The synergy that we experienced was stronger, and we were more able to accomplish our goals and aspirations as missionaries. We were more in tune with the Gospel. After my mission as I began to date my wife we discussed this idea, and decided to put it into practice. After a while it became a pattern of living. I am what some would consider an extreme extrovert. My wife is on the extreme end of introvert. I come from an abusive background and am a convert. My wife comes from a loving long-time member household. We were primed from the start practically to fall prey to the "ignore it" principle. I consider Companionship Inventory to be one of the main factors of our marriage that has helped us to avoid falling into this trap.
2. Talk about your feelings regularly, and not just the negative ones. Let your spouse know when you're happy, when you're sad. Make it clear when their actions are causing these emotions, and when they aren't. Help that other person know and understand why you are feeling the way that you are. When your spouse or significant other is depressed or sad, don't take it personally. Love them, be there for them, and don't assume that you are the problem or the solution. Listen when the other person needs to talk. If you are the dominant one, or if you both are dominant, listen. Just be quiet, and be present.
3. Don't assume that your children are too young to understand these principles. Once your children are capable of having conversation-even basic conversation-they are ready to be included in family companionship inventory. This doesn't mean that once a week you have a structured comp inventory as you would on the mission, but it does mean that you are regularly and frequently discussing those things that are contained within comp inventory. A good time to establish this at first would be in Family Home Evening. This also does not negate the importance of having separate talks and discussions with your spouse, because there are inevitably going to be things that you will discuss with them that you probably shouldn't discuss in front of your children.
4. Be Honest with your Words. This is extremely important when getting over ignoring it. Don't make people guess at the meanings behind your words, and don't hide behind what you think are your intentions. When you say something, mean it, own it. Be clear in what you say. If you are asked whether or not you want to do something, don't use a tone of voice that says no, but words that say yes. Don't expect your significant other to guess what you think or what you feel. Don't fall into the trap of "it means more when I don't have to ask" and don't assume that just because you have similar personalities, or because you think you know what they like, that you can make important decisions without their input. This will help you avoid the "but this is what I meant" arguments that come from "ignoring it" blow ups. Be honest with your words.
In Conclusion
I have yet to find anyone that doesn't suffer from some level of the "ignore it" principle. Even though we established the practice of comp inventory early in our marriage, "ignoring it" is still something that bites us occasionally. In 100% of relationships that I have personally seen this has been a problem to some degree or another. If you're reading this and dismissing it out of hand - then you are probably affected by it. If you read this and feel that you're already aware of it and working on it, then awesome. The "ignore it" principle is one that can be dealt with; we just need to be able and willing to communicate and be in harmony with each other. As we establish the ability to be open and honest and work towards harmony in our relationships we will feel greater love and joy with those that we care about. I sincerely hope that those that read this will find greater happiness in their relationships and tools that will help them to thwart the adversary as he tries to bind our tongues and keep us from having eternal families.
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